Supporting Someone with Cancer

Learning that someone you care about has cancer can be emotionally challenging. Whether the person is a close friend, family member, or colleague, you may experience a mix of shock, sadness, and uncertainty about how to respond. If you feel uncomfortable discussing cancer, it’s okay to acknowledge that—honesty can help both of you. You might gently suggest other sources of support, such as a counselor, support group, or trusted community leader.

 

However, if you want to be there for them, the key is compassionate communication and flexibility. Below are some ways to offer meaningful support.

 

How to Talk with Someone Who Has Cancer 

 

Listen More, Fix Less

– The most valuable gift you can offer is a listening ear. Avoid minimizing their feelings or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, let them express themselves without judgment.

– Phrases like *”I’m here whenever you want to talk” or “It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking now”* create a safe space for them.

Validate Their Emotions

– Cancer can trigger anger, fear, sadness, or withdrawal—all normal reactions to a life-altering diagnosis. Avoid saying “Stay positive!” if they’re struggling. Instead, try:

– “This must be so hard. I’m here for you.”

– “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling.”

 

Avoid Blame or Stigma

– Some people unfairly blame themselves (or are blamed by others) for their cancer. Reassure them:

– “Cancer isn’t your fault. No one chooses this.”

– “What matters now is how we can support you.”

 

Respect Their Privacy 

– Never share their diagnosis without permission. If others ask, say:

– “I’ll let them know you’re thinking of them.”

 

What to Say (and What to Avoid)

Helpful Responses:

– “I care about you and I’m here for you.”

– “How are you *really* doing today?”

– “Would you like company, or do you need space right now?”

Avoid:

– “I know exactly how you feel.” (Even if you’ve had cancer, everyone’s experience is different.)

– “My aunt had cancer and she…” (Comparisons can feel dismissive.)

– Comments on appearance (“You look tired”) unless it’s a sincere compliment (“You look great today!”).

 

Humor Can Help (When Appropriate) 

– If they joke about their situation, follow their lead. Laughter can relieve stress, but let them set the tone.

 

 Coping with Your Own Feelings 

 

It’s normal to feel:

– Guilt (“Why them and not me?”)

– Fear (“Could this happen to me?”)

– Helplessness (“I don’t know what to do.”)

 

If these emotions overwhelm you, consider:

– Talking to a therapist or joining a support group.

– Using workplace resources (e.g., Employee Assistance Programs).

– Practicing self-care so you can be present for your loved one.

 

 Practical Ways to Help 

• Offer specific support: Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:

– “Can I drive you to appointments?”

– “I’d love to drop off meals—what days work best?”

• Respect their treatment choices: If they refuse or stop treatment, avoid judgment. Instead:

– “I respect your decision. How can I support you?”

– Suggest discussing options with their care team (e.g., palliative care for symptom relief).

• During recurrence or advanced cancer:

– Acknowledge their fears: “This must be so tough. I’m with you.”

– Help them access hospice or comfort care if needed.

 

 Final Thoughts 

 

Supporting someone with cancer isn’t about having the perfect words—it’s about showing up with empathy. Even small gestures (a text, a shared memory, sitting quietly together) can mean the world.

 

 

References

 

American Cancer Society. Cancer Facts & Figures 2023. Atlanta. American Cancer Society; 2023 Accessed https://www.cancer.org/content/dam/cancer-org/research/cancer-facts-and-statistics/annual-cancer-facts-and-figures/2023/2023-cancer-facts-and-figures.pdfon September 14, 2023

Costa-Requena G, Ballester Arnal R, Gil F. The influence of coping response and health-related quality of life on perceived social support during cancer treatment. Palliat Support  Care. 2014;28:1-7.

Johnson LA, Schreier AM, Swanson M, Moye JP, Ridner S. Stigma and Quality of Life in Patients With Advanced Lung Cancer. Oncol Nurs Forum. 2019 ;46(3): 318-328.

Kroenke CH, Kubzansky LD, Schernhammer ES, Holmes MD, Kawachi I. Social networks, social support, and survival after breast cancer diagnosis. J Clin Oncol. 2006;24(7):1105-1111.https://doi.org/10.1002/pon.5372

Naser AY, Hameed AN, Mustafa N, Alwafi H, Dahmash EZ, Alyami HS, et al. Depression and anxiety in patients with cancer: a cross-sectional study. Front Psychol. 2021;12:1067. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.585534